Shouting out to all you moms out there!

I feel the need this morning to capture in words what is going through my mind everytime I get to this point in my cycle of emotional balance and inbalance. (And you will all soon recognize exactly what point that is.)
Where to begin? How about starting at the beginning? There was a time when I was young and naive and believed I would be a wonderful mother. I saw what other parents did and didn't do, and I was sure I could handle it, perhaps even better than some. Then I had my own children. (Many of you are laughing already, but this is very serious.) It was my own kids that made me understand what the real issue is with parenting. Its not that we all don't know what we need to do. Its that we are dealing with a superior intelligence. They know how to wear us down, manipulate our emotions, and pit us against each other. In fact, I have long believed that parenting causes a loss of intelligence, especially in women. This is because of not only pregnancy, but breastmilk must contain brain cells that are transfered directly to child. That is the best explanation. Let me try to give a few examples of how our children use their brain cells to cause us to lose our sanity. (This may get long.)
First of all they wear us down. The first thing you will think of is the constant nagging, repeating questions over and over, and (worst of all) the whining. However, this is just the tip of the iceburg. My children have resorted to much more subtle tactics. I'm sure yours have too, but if you haven't discovered them yet, I will be happy to point them out to you now. You may have noticed that from day one they do not allow for regular sleep at night (more evidence that the breastmilk is feeding more than just their bellies). This gets the ball rolling. As they get mobile they begin getting "into things." However, its not just that simple because that is actually a decoy. While you are busy cleaning up their mess, they are going back to the business they really wanted in the first place but you had said no. So now you are running all over the house screaming things like, "No! Stop! Get out of that! Don't touch it!" and looking completely ridiculous. You know you are far gone when you start making threats you could not possibly carry out, like "I'm going to tear you in peices and throw you out different windows!" These threats most likely came from our own parents and are being recalled subconsciously.
Another method our kids use is guilt. This works great in the department of emotional manipulation. The guilt usually comes as a secondary effect from the wearing down tactic. Inevitably we all sucumb to doing something we regret. This leads to internal torment because of the ideal image we had in our minds from before we were mothers. Get used to this feeling. It rarely goes away, but you can learn to live with it.
The final method they will use is pitting us against each other. By this I am refering to conflicts with our husbands. Don't you remember that before the kids came, you had a lot less to argue about? It's them! They do it on purpose, but you just haven't figured it out yet. (You may be thinking to yourself now that I am being too hard on the little ones. After all we can't blame our adult problems on those sweet little darlings. I'm telling you. Yes, we can!) I'll show you how it works.
Here's a typical day in the life of a stay at home mom. You wake to a crying child who either wants food or to be released from the prison we call a crib. After a morning of cleaning, feeding, training, changing diapers, and constant interruptions, you eat lunch and face an afternoon of cleaning, feeding, training, changing diapers, constant interruptions, AND making dinner. The most exciting event of the entire day is about to happen. Daddy is coming home! (Now before the children this may have been an exciting event too but not for the same reason.) It is exciting because the swarm of little people gathered at your feet will suddenly start swarming around somebody else.
If this event does not occur at the expected time your husband cannot expect it to work out the same way for him. However, husbands often make mistakes, as we all know. Here are a few things husbands often say to us in complete ignorance. "So what did you do all day?" "I work too you know." and my personal favorite; "You need to take at least 30 minutes a day to yourself." The last comment may seem well intended and even a bit sensitive, except that your husband will have absolutely no input on how this is to be accomplished without costing him money.
Whatever the trigger is, it is not your husband's fault. He is a victim of the same brain damage you are, and he may have had less to work with in the first place. No, the kids are the real cause of the argument that ensues about whatever topic. And while you are "discussing" your issues, they are probably getting into something somewhere or at least stealing a few extra minutes of awake time before bed.
What the kids may not realize is that their handiwork also carries into the bedroom. I'm sure you have all heard of that show "Desperate Housewives" and that it must have come completely out of some man's fantasy. I would like to know how many of you "housewives" are that excited to spend so much time in bed? (I mean awake, of course.) This is my fantasy about being naked; sitting ALONE in a hot bath with a locked door, soundproof walls, and some gourmet chocolate. Yet our husbands just don't understand why we had enough "love" from all the mauling and holding and consoling. Can't they see the snot stains on our clothes?! Isn't that turn off enough?! I think they're the "desperate" ones!
Well, I think I've made my point. Don't worry, though. I think the brain cells actually do grow back. After all, we know our children's grandparents are in league with them to do us in. It's all a viscious cycle meant to make us insane and look like the fools we are. But that's food for another blog.
So here's to all you human kleenexes/ jungle gyms/ household appliances out there who can't figure out why you can't finish a thought, much less a sentence without interruption or just plain old brain fart. I'm telling you now; you're not alone (even though you would like to be alone once in awhile) and there better be a sweet retirement deal when this is all over.